EP.19 - Breaking Free from Judgement
SHOW NOTES:
Judgement is a pervasive force that can influence your thoughts and behaviours in ways that you may not even be aware of.
Breaking free from the cycle of judgement and cultivating authenticity and compassion can be a daunting task. But it is possible.
So how do you do it?
The first step is to cultivate awareness of the judgments you hold. This means paying attention to your thoughts and noticing when you are judging yourself or others.
Once you become aware of these judgments, you can begin to challenge them and question their validity.
By challenging your judgements, you can gain a more objective perspective and shift towards a more compassionate and authentic mindset.
Here are the key takeaways from this episode:
01:26 - Judgement is part and parcel of being a human being.
02:14 - “I am not who you think I am. You are who you think I am.”
05:43 - When we go deeper, we can use judgement as a bridge, to living with more compassion, tenderness, kindness, and love.
09:11 - You don’t have to be economical with your truth.
13:07 - We create a narrative around how we perceive people.
14:18 - There is zero correlation between wealth and sadness.
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I help you lead with fearless authenticity by smashing the self-imposed heteronormative stereotypes that keep you playing small through emotional healing inner child and inherited intergenerational trauma. Create a purposeful life of your unique design by disrupting societal norms and expectations of who you should be. Explore mindfulness, fearless curiosity and loving kindness through the lens of Human Design to thrive as the person you are born to be.
Learn more about my coaching method and join my emotional healing, mindfulness, and music community at melissaindot.com.
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TRANSCRIPT
0:00
When we go deeper, we can use judgement as a bridge to living with more compassion, more tenderness, more kindness, and a lot more love.
0:19
Hey there, welcome to the Fearlessly Curious podcast, your safe space to listen, lean in and learn the diversity of human experiences through the lens of fearless curiosity. When we learn more about each other, we also learn more about ourselves. How? Because we listen to each other's curiosities and experiences, we relate to that which is in common, and that which sets us apart gives us something to reflect on. We learn through and with each other. I am grateful to you, the global community, for your curious questions. The Fearlessly Curious podcast cannot exist without you.
1:06
On this week's episode of The Fearlessly Curious podcast, I want to share with you some contemplations and personal discoveries I have around the topic of judgement, because I know this comes up a lot. And it's something we all live with. Some people shame judgement, some people think it's good, some people think it's bad. Some people try to not be judgy. But I believe judgement is part and parcel of being a human being. And I think the most important thing about judgement is to have an awareness around it to have an awareness whether or not our judgments are keeping us from seeing the best in people without judgments are closing us off to the best opportunities. This is what's important to be about judgement. So I'd like to explore that today.
1:48
The first thing that comes to mind is this amazing quote that I've come across, and it goes something like this. So I'm going to set the tone for you to set the space, I really want you to just take a moment to be with me present right now. Whether you're in the car listening to the sitting in traffic, or maybe you're in busy traffic right now, I just want you to be present in the moment and pay attention to where you are, obviously, just really take these words in. I am not who you think I am. You are who you think I am. I'm gonna say that again, I am not who you think I am. You are who you think I am.
2:32
To me, this speaks to the essence of judgement, that every opinion point of view that we have about a person or a situation is a mere reflection of who we are, it has nothing to do with that person, because we can never know what that other person is going through. Right? So we're looking at the world, we're experiencing the world, through the lens of our own experiences. So whatever opinions, whatever judgments we hold, come from our own experiences. So I'll say it again, I am not who you think I am. Whatever it is, you're listening right now, whatever opinions and judgments you have about what I'm saying doesn't have anything to do with me. I am not who you think I am. All the opinions that you hold right now. Based on what you're seeing in the video podcast, what I'm wearing, the colour of my hair, the way my body gestures, those of you listening, the tone of my voice, the tonality, the style that I speak in whatever judgments you may have, says nothing about me. I am not who you think I am. You are who you think I am. I am literally a mirror for every experience that you've ever had. Creating this perception of me, this is a game changer for me. And I don't expect you to understand this immediately. And that's not implying that you don't have the capacity.
3:53
What I mean is that when we're so used to thinking and seeing the world and behaving a certain way, when we're offered a different perspective, it's really important to give yourself as I constantly give myself the space, not to overthink an idea but to consider it to receive it to let it percolate like the best coffee. So when I discovered this quote, it really really threw me into disarray, right I was a little bit discombobulated because it flipped the perspective on everything I've ever believed. And so suddenly, everything I think about other people actually has nothing to do with them. It has everything to do with me. So whenever I made a negative judgement of someone or something, I would remind myself that negative judgement is a reflection of me. So if I think someone is looking terrible, then that is a reflection of how I perceive terrible to look like. Does that make sense? And I'm not saying it's bad or good. This has got nothing to do with being bad or good. This is simply got to do with perception. An identity. And the most crucial part of this, at least for my own personal learning, is that it gave me the opportunity to view life with more compassion, to be more mindful about the words that I used to describe a situation.
5:19
When I see someone is angry, frustrated, irritable, unkind, the only reason why I can call them these things, identify with these words and label them is because I identify with them. It's because I, myself have experienced it, I have lived it myself. So that's not to say that I can't judge people. Of course, we judge all the time. My point is that when we go deeper, we can use judgement, as a bridge, to living with more compassion, more tenderness, more kindness, and a lot more love. So from now on, every time, as I mentioned, I have a negative thought, something that is less than kind. I don't beat myself up for having that judgement. But I allow that to reflect back to me. And as it reflects back to me, I think about how I can be kinder in that moment. So I was doing a little bit of research on this. And that statement, the quote, I am not who you think I am, you are who you think I am, I believe, originates from Buddha. But I'm also finding online, an extended version of that quote, from a man called Charles Cooley, and this is what he says, I am not what I think I am. And I am not what you think I am. I am what I think you think I am. So I'm not going to deep dive into that. Because that takes it to a whole other level.
6:57
But what inspired me to talk about judgement today, first of all, is to be curious about the way we think and why we think that and how it relates to the way we interact with the world, and more importantly, how our curiosity can always lead us to a path of compassion. The world and life is hard enough as it is, it doesn't have to be. There is always space for kindness and compassion. And I'm always looking for opportunities to invite more kindness and compassion. And even in my own personal journey with this I pendulum between being over kind and maybe leaning into a little bit of toxic positivity, where I'm always looking for the bright side, always looking for the good in people.
7:45
What's really important is to have discernment, that's broad, where we can own the negative labels, we can be logical about it, we can name a situation and say that was terrible behaviour. It is right, stealing is not an acceptable behaviour. That doesn't change. But it also doesn't mean that I can't be compassionate. And I know that whenever we reflect any experience, or perception or belief that we have in our external world back to ourselves, that always opens up an opportunity to soften judgement. So I mentioned what inspired today's episode, somebody sent me a message on Facebook. So I have been navigating burnout, terrible burnout, and my depression has been looming. I'm in a chapter of my life that is particularly trying right now. And I'm also leaning in to showing up this way. Not retreating entirely, and not hiding it being fully transparent, because that's important.
8:52
And that is what I champion; I advocate for fearless authenticity. And authenticity means showing up exactly as I am. It doesn't mean airing my dirty laundry, it doesn't mean victimising myself, it simply means showing up in the honest truth. And as a client had mentioned, I love the way she used these words. I don't need to be economical with my truth. And I don't want to be economical with my truth either. So as I've been navigating burnout, I've been sharing that more and more on my socials. Some of you may see it, some of you may not see it. And somebody who follows me wrote me a message basically along these lines. They said to me, in fact, I'm gonna go look for it right now so that I Don't misquote them. I will keep the identity confidential as a sign of respect. The interesting thing is that when I first read the message, it really triggered me. I felt I was being judged.
9:49
Well, probably because I was being judged, but it triggered me into a full defence mode. I just wanted to retaliate. I was reactionary, and I'm going to read this word for word. And please note, right this thing about writing messages is that it's going to come from my tone. I don't know what tone this person took. So you're going to hear it from the tone that I'm receiving. Hi, Sir. Melissa, that's my nickname. Just read your latest post about that hard pill to swallow. That's referring to a post I wrote that was the title of the post. Well, I can't say that I understand what you're going through. But I sure hope and pray you find your way through it. So at that point, I felt a lot of love and support. You're definitely blessed. At that point, I couldn't agree with this person. More than that, then they continue. However, what questions me is that you have wealth, way lots of wiser beyond what we normal people have.
10:49
I go, inverted commas, or air quotes, sigh. And then as emoji of like, this manifests in envy each time I see you riding at the equestrian Polo Club, riding a horse and playing Polo has always been a childhood dream, and I will very likely remain a dream. From the looks of it. close bracket, he continues, anyway. Yeah, for someone who can have anything she can buy? Why do you have that sadness in you? I sincerely hope you overcome everything so, so beautifully written that message, right, that started with love and support. And then they lean into their curiosity. But that curiosity also revealed a truck load of judgement, right and subjective perspective and perception. So they say what crashes means that you have wealth way beyond what we normal people have.
11:43
Now, this is all about context, because what is normal? In my world, of course, I see wealth, I have wealth, because of how I perceive it, I have food on my table every day, I have a roof over my head, and my health is good. And I feel safe. That to me is wealth. Those are my values for wealth, but for other people wealth is having 100 million in the bank account. Right? It's something that they want to quantify, but for me it is about quality. So already, this person is judging me based on their scale of what wealth is and saying that I am not normal compared to them. But he's being really honest about his being super open, which I love and admire. And then he says, I go sigh in envy. Now what a massive proclamation to make. I'm not sure many people out there would admit to envy or jealousy. And I softened again, as I read that, each time I see you riding the Polo Club, and it's always been a childhood dream. So you don't have to have a huge amount of money. And again, what does a huge amount of money mean, right? I could be writing because it's sponsored, which actually, they're not my horses that I'm writing, not that I need to justify it. But again, we don't know why people are living their way they are, how they are living the way they are.
13:07
We create a narrative around how we perceive people. And that narrative is created based on our own lived experience. So if I see myself as normal, anything that I am making an assumption on that is different to me becomes not normal. This could have been a really abrasive message. But instead, because this incredible person leant in, leaned in with curiosity, and it was a childlike curiosity, also exposing and being so open about their own views, it left me with no other option other than to be curious and compassionate to, I could have been completely triggered I was initially, but the languaging. And the approach, as I mentioned with curiosity, just allowed me to drop into that compassionate space. This is an absolute model of what fearless curiosity can create between two people on a topic that essentially is very subjective wealth, started with good wishes, and ended with good wishes. And I'd like to share with you my response.
14:18
So I responded by saying thank you so much for your message. There is zero correlation between wealth and sadness, because essentially the posts they were referring to was my burnout and borderline depression that I've been navigating and continue to be navigating. And what they couldn't understand is I have all the wealth in the world from how they perceive me. How could that even be space for sadness? And so my response is that there is zero correlation between wealth and sadness, at least in my world.
14:47
I don't know if there's research on this or there's data. But honestly speaking for me, even though there was research and data that's historical, it's always an average. It's never an absolute to the best thing I could do was be honest. In response to this incredible person, I continued, You do not know the path, I have walked in life, the adversity that I have experienced. And this has nothing to do with financial wealth. And this speaks to a topic that I covered in a previous episode about comparison, it's totally natural for us to have a narrative and have a perception of who we are. And then when we perceive the world and other people, we make that comparison. And we form an opinion and a judgement based on that comparison. It doesn't mean that it's completely true, because we never really know what someone is going through. And we will never know, even when someone relates to me, what they experience is, I'm interpreting their experience, I could never truly know how it feels, I could never truly understand even what they're going through.
15:55
I can connect with the feeling, by being present with them, by observing them, by making conversation about them. Because when I'm listening, I want to open my heart and be present for them. It is about them. It's not about me, I then finished my message. And I said, I appreciate your kindness and your curiosity because I truly do. And perhaps I will make a podcast about this topic. So when this podcast goes out, I'm gonna send a link to this incredible person. And so that they can see that I follow through on that because I think the behaviour that they've modelled is beautiful, I admire it, it gave me an opportunity to lean in as well. And notice my own patterns like how initially I was reactive and defensive. But he displayed so much kindness and calm and compassion that he gave me no other option other than to reciprocate the same kindness and compassion and be curious too.
16:51
So I am not who you think I am. You are who you think I am. And I could talk for days, months and years about judgement and identity and perspective and perception. I guess my point today is to say any time that you are judging a person, an experience or a situation, always lean into that curiosity, just as this person did, when they messaged me, he had a judgement. But he also asked if he wanted to know more, he wanted to discover a little bit more about me. And he didn't even ask me a direct question. It came from a place of just sharing where he was coming from, he didn't understand something. And the curiosity created, at least from my perspective, a beautiful connection, and is inspired a topic for me to communicate on this podcast with all of us, I'd love to know what your thoughts are on judgement, and how judgement might hinder you from having stronger connections with people might prevent you from tenderness for inviting more love and compassion into your life. I'd also love to know if after listening to this, you are curious to flip the switch on judgement.
18:08
I encourage you and I invite you to perceive judgement in a different way to invite more space and a pause. When you are judging. Just pause and ask yourself. Now how does this judgement, this opinion, live in me because I can only see it, I can only name it, because it lives within me at some level. And I'll leave it there for now, as always such a privilege to be able to kind of chat with you here. And your feedback means the world to me. I hope that you will subscribe, continue to follow and share this podcast to all your friends and family and people who matter to you. Because this isn't for me. I created this for you.
18:51
Head on over to melissaandroid.com/podcast to get the transcript. And when we receive information from an audio perspective, from listening, it's very different to when we're reading. And of course follow me on my socials. Engage with me and ask me questions. I'm best when I'm responding to you. Until the next episode. I hope that you can have some fun being curious with your judgement going forward. And I have hope that you will also have more stories of compassion through your curiosity to share not just with me, but the people that you care about in this incredible world that we live in. Until next time, stay fearlessly curious.
19:38
If you want more, make sure to subscribe so you never miss a new episode every Friday. And please leave a review if you enjoy this episode. Don't forget to send me your curious questions and experiences as inspiration for future episodes. Your anonymity will be respected if that's what you prefer. For more guidance and support, join my emotional healing mindfulness and music community over at melissaindot.com. See you next week.
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