EP.28 - The Joys and Challenges of Parenting Multiple Children With My Mum
SHOW NOTES:
Join me and my mum once again as we dive into a heartfelt conversation about the challenges and joys of raising multiple children.
We explore the unique experiences my mum faced while raising three kids with distinct personalities and needs.
Growing up in different times, my siblings and I each brought our own set of challenges and joys to our mum's life.
We discuss the importance of embracing each child's individuality, the lessons learned along the way, and the evolving dynamics of family relationships as we all grow and change.
As you listen to this intimate conversation between a mother and daughter, consider how your own relationships with your parents and siblings have shaped your life.
We hope that our discussion encourages you to reflect on the complexities of family dynamics and inspires you to strengthen the bonds with your own family members.
After all, when we understand each other better, we can all thrive together.
Here are the key takeaways from this episode:
02:04 - There’s no hard and fixed rule on how someone should raise their children.
05:40 - Each child is unique.
07:17 - Listen to your children more instead of enforcing what you want them to be.
08:39 - It’s okay to make mistakes and constantly learn as a parent.
10:57 - The importance of opening your door and heart to your children’s friends.
12:34 - Children should be mindful of the narratives they create in their heads about their parents.
13:52 - Acknowledge that we can’t change the past, but with wisdom, we can create a better future.
16:17 - We are all doing the best that we can with what we know and what we don’t know.
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I help you lead with fearless authenticity by smashing the self-imposed heteronormative stereotypes that keep you playing small through emotional healing inner child and inherited intergenerational trauma. Create a purposeful life of your unique design by disrupting societal norms and expectations of who you should be. Explore mindfulness, fearless curiosity and loving kindness through the lens of Human Design to thrive as the person you are born to be.
Learn more about my coaching method and join my emotional healing, mindfulness, and music community at melissaindot.com.
TRANSCRIPT
[00:00:00] Pat: Every decade brings a different kind of change to people, and I had to learn a lot along the way. It was not easy. There were heartbreaking moments, I must admit. The important thing is to listen to them. Listen to them more, instead of instilling what you want them to be, where you want them to go. Let them tell you where they want to go. So I guess we learn along the way.
[00:00:32] Melissa: Hey there. Welcome to the Fearlessly Curious Podcast, your safe space. Listen, lean in and learn the diversity of human experiences through the lens of fearless curiosity. When we learn more about each other, we also learn more about ourselves. How? Because when we listen to each other's curiosities and experiences, we relate to that which is in common, and that which sets us apart, gives us something to reflect on. We learn through and with each other. I'm grateful to you, the global community, for your curious questions. The Fearlessly Curious Podcast cannot exist without you.
[00:01:19] Melissa: Well, welcome to one more episode of the Fearlessly Curious Podcast, and today my special guest, so happy to have you back again with us. It's none other than my mum. Welcome mum . It's so great to have you back on the Fearlessly Curious Podcast. How are you doing today?
[00:01:39] I'm fine, thanks. Glad to be back.
[00:01:42] Awesome. So I got a juicy topic to walk you through today. And that topic is how do you navigate as a mother, navigate having three children in the family as a guide for other parents out there.
[00:01:59] Melissa: How is it to navigate having more than one child and being a parent to more than one child.
[00:02:04] Pat: There's no hard and fast rule as to how one should bring their children up. I had my first child when I was 23, really young fresh from college back here, and I got married and went to a new place, a place where I couldn't speak the language.
[00:02:24] Pat: And lo and behold, found out after a few months that I was expecting a baby. So no loved ones with me. I was all by myself with my husband who's working full-time, and we had a baby there in Japan. It was a real adventure. So, I mean, the most exciting thing that ever happened to us. So it was a much wanted thing.
[00:02:47] Pat: So yeah, we both, my husband helped me in between you know the feeds so that we, I could have a few hours of sleep and yeah, so that was the first child. And when I came back, when my daughter was two and a half, I found myself pregnant again and had a second child. And I had a son, which more or less like completed my family because I was a working mum.
[00:03:12] Pat: So I had to spend time. I'm a teacher, so that means I have a good more than half a day at school, and the other half I can spend time at home looking after my children. So we went along quite happily for another 10 years with two children. I got a girl and a boy that more or less completes the family.
[00:03:35] Pat: Then my husband said, we should really have another child before we become too old. What do you think of it? I said, hmm, well, okay. I'm not against it. And then I had found myself pregnant with Melissa, and of course when she came along, everybody adored her. It's been a long time since I had a baby. I've given away all my prams and all my cots and all my children's clothes, so we had to start from scratch.
[00:04:04] Pat: Of course, the two older brother and sister are daughter, everybody adored her.
[00:04:07] Melissa: What's there not to adore? I mean, seriously, mum .
[00:04:12] Pat: So I guess she was a little spoiled.
[00:04:14] Melissa: Oh no, I walked straight into that.
[00:04:16] Pat: Yeah. So you just think, you know, straight, every child has different problems, different sets of problems. There’s no hard and fast rule.
[00:04:25] Melissa: I hear you. I'm curious though, because as I've been getting older, I notice what it's like to interact with my friends and I appreciate how different each of my friends are. How individual they are. And I notice often that when I am disappointed or when I feel let down by my friends, it actually has nothing to do with them most times because it has everything to do with what my expectations are of them according to my standards and my values.
[00:04:57] Melissa: And when I compare my friends, and I don't do this consciously, it's something that happens unconsciously. Then there's a gap. There's a discrepancy between what I would measure as a quality of friendship with one person as opposed to the other. So I'm wondering if I were to apply that to being a parent, like for you, right?
[00:05:15] Melissa: Does it work the same way? Like there are some friends I feel are easier to get along with in certain circumstances than others. There are some friends who understand me much more on a mental level than another friend. But that other friend actually understands me so much more on an emotional level. So I navigate that with my friends, the people that I'm close to.
[00:05:35] Melissa: What was it like for you? Does this apply to you as a parent with your children?
[00:05:40] Pat: Oh, that's for sure. It does because each child has a different personality. They're also different. They have different needs, different ones, different interests, and the temperament is also different. The very fact that I had two children in my twenties. I was young, so I more or less like grew together with them.
[00:06:01] Pat: And then when I had Melissa, I was already in my mid thirties by then. At that time, it's considered old to have a child in your thirties. So I found bringing her up is quite different Even from the way I brought up my two older ones, you know, they're more inclined to be, when I say obedient. They will understand more the values of when I say no answering, do as you’re told.
[00:06:30] Pat: Whereas this one comes along, she's very minded and she wants to question everything, and she wants to do what she wants. So I found it tough, not easy to navigate this, and I wasn't ready to give in at that time. I said if I could bring up the other two, they never questioned me, why should you be any different?
[00:06:51] Pat: I didn't know at that time too, that people changed. Every decade brings a different kind of change to people, and I had to learn a lot along the way. It was not easy. There were heartbreaking moments. I must admit. Oh, anyway, we went through this storm and what shall I say? The important thing is to listen to them.
[00:07:17] Pat: Listen to them more. Instead of instilling what you want them to be, where you want them to go. Let them tell you where they want to go. So I guess we learn along the way. So it's not easy. Three different children at different times. So I can just imagine those mothers who have like more than three children, half a dozen children.
[00:07:38] Pat: If you wanna take an interest in your children, that's not easy unless you just leave it to the maids. And I wasn't about to do that.
[00:07:47] Melissa: Not everybody has helpers, mum. Not everybody has helpers who can support on if you have more than three children or more than one child even. So I'm curious to know, cause you mentioned essentially a half generational difference cause there's 10 and a half years between me and my brother and 12 and a half years between me and my sister.
[00:08:05] Melissa: And so that was already sort of a culture shock in terms of generation for you bringing me up at a different time. What about the differences between your son and daughter? So my brother and sister, in terms of how you get on with them and relationship-wise, how did you navigate that? The differences in them and navigating maybe one child who was easier with school stuff, one was more compliant, one was more obedient, and the other maybe more rebellious.
[00:08:31] Melissa: How do you navigate that? Because you have one set of rules, but it's not always easy to apply the one set of rules to many.
[00:08:39] Pat: No, it's not easy at all. Well, sometimes I do the wrong thing. I do the wrong thing, and I thought at the time it was correct. And so sometimes I'll be like knocking my head against the wall. Who gets to be hurt? Me. Not my child because they, she has no idea what I'm going through, so I'm the one who's suffering.
[00:09:00] Pat: So I have to learn along the way that that's not the way, maybe, I don't know. I'm still learning and right now I'm still learning. I have grandchildren who are even more different from my youngest child. So I think we are constantly learning.
[00:09:16] Melissa: I really admire that admission. It comes with so much humility and so much courage to be able to say that sometimes we get it wrong.
[00:09:25] Melissa: And first of all, to be able to acknowledge that within yourself and then to share it publicly on this podcast, I just really want to honour you for that, mum, because there is such a high expectation out there, not just for parents, but for all of us to be perfect. And the truth is, first of all, there's no guidebook on how to be a parent, right?
[00:09:47] Melissa: Let alone a guidebook on just how to be a human being. We're all every day figuring out how it is to be ourselves, to be the unique person that we are. To be Pat Indot is who you are, to be Melissa Indot. But at the same time, everywhere we're being told, be like this, be like that. If you wanna be like this, you've got to do that.
[00:10:09] Melissa: So in a way, we're constantly being pressured or pushed and pulled in different directions to be different things. That's actually pulling us away from exploring and discovering who we are meant to be. So being able to say sometimes I get it wrong is such a powerful statement. Because if we knew ahead of time that a choice or a decision was gonna give us pain, more often than not, we wouldn't choose that way.
[00:10:35] Melissa: What is more important is that we can acknowledge when something hasn't worked out the way we want it to, and then take the action to make a different decision. And I imagine for you, mum, being a parent for this long, what has your relationship been like with your three children as we've all been getting older over the last, let's say 10 years? What have you noticed?
[00:10:57] Pat: I found out that it is very, very important for you to let your children know that you accept their friends so that they can bring their friends home to you and not be ashamed and be more open with you. If I forbid them this and forbid them that, then they will maybe say, okay, we won't do it, and they'll hide and they'll still do it.
[00:11:19] Pat: So I might as well open my home to my children's friends and say, come back to the house. There's a place here for you . And so I think it's very important to have your confidence that your children have confidence that they can bring friends back to you. And I become my children's friend's friend. They have confidence in me.
[00:11:39] Pat: They also confide in me sometimes, which they can't confide in their mother's.
[00:11:44] Melissa: Yeah, that is such an admirable quality to open your heart and open your door physically to your children's friends and you've always done that, mum. I just wanna amplify that, how blessed and how lucky, speaking from my perspective to have you and dad do that for me, always being so welcoming and generous to open the door to my friends.
[00:12:08] Melissa: I will take this opportunity to share a little bit about what it was like for me growing up, and it's important for people to know this as well out there. And this is that we often, you know, we grow up and we create these narratives, these stories in our minds and our heads about our parents. And I can say this now to my mum because as I've been growing, personal growth journey, having coaches and doing my own personal work with inverted commerce.
[00:12:34] Melissa: I have been discovering about these narratives that we create for ourself. And I created in myself this narrative that there were lots of parts of me that I felt my parents and my family would not accept. I never actually truly gave them an opportunity in some cases to accept who I was because I didn't dare show it to them in the first place.
[00:12:57] Melissa: So even though my mum and dad opened the doors and their hearts to my friends, there was still so much that I hid from them. And in those turbulent years, and they went right up into my twenties, I blamed them for it. Now as I'm more mature and I have learnt more and been very focused and committed to healing my relationship with my mum, and I take this upon myself.
[00:13:21] Melissa: I'm fully accountable for this. I realise that the things that I blamed them for were really based on a lot of narratives and stories that I created for myself. And sometimes it is of no fault to anybody. In a way, it's the soul's journey. We're here. We choose certain paths, narratives and stories are created based on our experiences, and we can only take those experiences as far as our emotional, mental, and spiritual maturity level.
[00:13:52] Melissa: And that's just got to do with life. That's just how life is. So it's important to know that as a parent, to all your parents out there, but also as a child, right, that I'd love for you to be curious that some of the things that maybe you blame your parents for, that you shame your parents for, or that you guilt your parents for. That at the end of the day, they're always doing the best that they can. And we're also doing the best that we can as children and as much as it's easy to play the blame game sometimes it's just about acknowledging that yes, things could have been better, but we can't change the past.
[00:14:29] Melissa: But with wisdom, we can change the future. And the future really is in our own hands. I can't change you, mum. I want you to accept me. Every child wants to be accepted. But what I forgot and what I remember now is that if I want to be accepted, I first have to accept you. And I didn't plan for this conversation to go this way, but I wanted to take that opportunity just to share how there are many things that I was angry at you and dad for as I was growing up, that I realise now in a way, it was all an illusion in my mind, and that's not to minimise the experience.
[00:15:03] Melissa: It was very real for me. But now that I am older and I have more tools, I'm able to be accountable for those experiences. I never chose to put you and dad through difficult situations, but it was also part of my growth and I guess part and parcel of our relationship as parent and child. And without that we wouldn't be where we are today.
[00:15:26] Melissa: So I appreciate everything that I inadvertently put you through. I appreciate it all, and I'm so grateful for where our relationship has come. And now I can't imagine that I have a podcast and I have you to share your story with me. And allow me to be able to share my story too. This is the first time I'm saying this to my mum, so thank you, mum . Thank you.
[00:15:47] Pat: It's a great privilege from you too. Thank you for this opportunity.
[00:15:52] Melissa: Well, folks listening, I just wanna round this up today. I guess in summary, when we're talking about having more than one child in a family, having siblings, right, or being a child and knowing that your parents have many siblings to navigate, that at the end of the day that self-compassion, that compassion is so, so important to remember that we are just doing the best that we can with what we know.
[00:16:17] Melissa: Our parents, ourselves, our friends, our siblings. We are doing the best that we can with what we know. But also with what we don't know. We know what we know. We also don't know what we don't know. I wanna reiterate that because somehow we have this expectation to be perfect, to do things perfectly. This idea that we should know better, but we don't know better.
[00:16:39] Melissa: And through experience, the best we can do is take stock. Take some time to contemplate, reflect, and see what wisdom comes from that. Thank you mum again, and thank you everybody for joining us this week on the Fearlessly Curious Podcast. I really would love to know how this episode lands for you. Drop me a DM on the social platforms.
[00:16:58] Melissa: Come into the community circle. Head over to melissaindot.com/podcast and join the community. Let's have more conversations together and we wanna hear from you both me and mum what you take from this and perhaps what you'd like to hear us talk about more. Let's be fearlessly curious together. Let's come together and learn and grow through and with each other's experience.
[00:17:23] Melissa: So until the next time, stay fearlessly curious.
[00:17:33] Melissa: If you want more, make sure to subscribe so you never miss a new episode every Friday. And please leave a review if you enjoy this episode. Don't forget to send me your curious questions and experiences as inspiration for future episodes. Your anonymity will be respected. If that's what you prefer. For more guidance and support, join my emotional healing, mindfulness and music community over at melissaindot.com. See you next week.
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